


Puppies, Wedding rings, and Dignity

by lucydwrites



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M, Other, when I peaked
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-06-30 15:10:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15754245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucydwrites/pseuds/lucydwrites
Summary: Still my fave. And the biggest fic I've ever written, inspired by an innocent tweet.





	1. Since I fell for You

Life was leaving some little notes for Shane that he was getting older.

As he adjusted himself to a sitting position on bed, lots of pillows behind his back, he felt a sting of pain on his back. Doctor’s appointments never existed in his life. Hospitals were dreadful places with lack of color, sorrow plastered walls and reminders that he needed to slow down.

“It’s just going to the doctor, you know, what humans do when they get sick?” Raga would say. It was scheduled. Maybe he was old.

He was going through his abandoned notebook.  The most comfortable pajamas were on, a glass of wine was resting on the nightstand and Brahms was playing. The outside world could stay outside and he wasn’t bothered. A setting for ordinary people. If someone was peeking through the window they wouldn't have guessed that the lighting of Thor was at ease.

He was feelings grateful that he didn’t need to buckle up and ask the flight attendant one more snack. Jamin was there to feed his strange palate. At home and the artistic fire still burning. His fingers were clicking fast passing forward some old pictures. Many times he stopped and wondered.

_Where the hell did he put that leotard?_

_Did he still have it?_

And his early drag attempts. Oh, to be young. The Shenanigans. He missed the pretentious and careless attitude of that busted twink in the pictures. Did the yearning to express the pouring parts of himself were still there? Young Shane had too much sex energy going to every direction, too much unrequired love, greedy to have everything at once and horrible tempo in Symphony No 4 In E Minor. He wanted to believe they were all still there plus new ones: extra pounds, a head full of dreads, back pains and questionable wisdom by default.

He stopped going through the pictures when he saw some pictures of a blonde man in a theater production full of people dressed as a modern  _Midsummer Night’s Dream_ version? He approached the screen and squinted his eyes to realize the form of the man in front of him. The naughty big smile and big blue eyes sparkling with golden make up.

It was definitely Jamin.

Unrequired love could be scratched from the list.

They both wanted that slippery love, breaking into pieces in every hotel room far away and fractals in airports luggage. It would rearrange. Making them whole every time they were together.

“Oh my fucking god!” he yelled bursting into laugh. He saved lots of pictures of that entitled  _Caligula Maximus_  production. “Did I watch this?” he questioned himself zooming the pictures to get a good look in [Jamin’s naked chest](http://bleeping-ufo.tumblr.com/tagged/caligula). He looked hot even with the suspicious costumes.

Shane couldn’t stop smiling looking at them and his stomach was getting warm. He was hungry and the wine was raising the temperature of the room. He had no recollection of saving these pictures. Sometimes it was hard for Shane to grasp their history together. They’ve been conjoined by Brooklyn for so long and yet never really noticing each other.

Jamin’s birthday. When Acid Betty was dead. The dance off when he saw life coming back in Acid’s eyes, the silver Mohawk shining under the club lights.

_Their first kiss in New Year’s Eve._

Shane touched his lips remembering how Jamin’s bottom lip was perfect to get bitten conjuring the feeling again by his fingertips. And how they pretended that night was simply a drunk mistake. And never a word.

Drag Race.  _The couch._

His nod when he surprised Shane in the viewing party. His hungry eyes locked on him. The dollar bills falling from the ruffled dress as they tried to be fast but precise. And then here. All the ramifications pointing to his bathroom where Jamin was taking a shower. He appeared in the mist of the hot vapor. The vision was listening to Nick Minaj on his cellphone and singing it softly with a towel wrapped around his waist. Shane observed him combing the little nest he had on top of his head shaking his hips. Shane was very pleased that 2 days of not shaving was enough for Jamin to have a stubble.

“Now that’s a mash-up you don’t hear every day” Shane said cringing with Nick rapping in the background mixing up with the orchestra in the room. He was concentrated in how Jamin’s biceps would twitch with every brush.

“You see? That’s the new number you were looking for, Thorgles!” he answered with a big  _ta-daaaa_  smile and putting his thick black glasses on. Shane was shaking his head.

“Come to bed, I need to show you something very interesting” he implied trying to look serious. Jamin stopped dancing around and raised his brow in curiosity.

“I’m wet” he innocently put it.

Shane frowned crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Well, stop whoring around with Nick Minaj and sit here now, bitch. Besides you’re in my apartment. I don’t care about wet sheets” he demanded once again.

Jamin threw himself on the bed trying to hold the towel and crawled to sit by Shane’s side that was cheering for the thing to drop off.

“You know that you can simply throw the towel off, right? I don’t know if you noticed but I’ve seen your dick before, sir” Shane articulated sarcastically.

“It feels weird okay? I know it’s a Donald Duck wearing a towel after showering thing but I don’t know” he answered shyly and annoyed but not making much sense. “When I was fat I was always covering my body even when I was alone in the room…I guess it’s a phantom reaction”

Shane couldn’t love him more.

The notebook was still in his lap, but Shane managed to lean for a side kiss, inhaling all the fresh scents of Jamin’s post shower products still lingering on the cold skin, and then planting lazy kisses on his chest until getting into his belly… he started nuzzling his bellybutton…biting the flesh slowly….Jamin let go a soft moan… _until Shane blew his bellybuttom making fart noises_.

Jamin retrieved back in protection with the tickle sensation and pushed him away laughing.

“You’re such a dumbass” Jamin giggled adjusting his towel while Shane was looking at the screen again satisfied.

“Look what I’ve found” he showed Jamin the notebook. “Oh my god who is this young promising actor?” he introduced the pictures to Jamin using his obnoxious teenage girl voice. 

“Oh my…baby…jeeeesus” he recognized. “Look at him. My blonde ambition era. That play was so bad. But I had so many friends on it and I wanted to be involved with theater again…but wait, why do you have these pictures?”

“I don’t knoooow!” Shane shrugged laughing. “I don’t think I’ve ever watched this?”

They were looking closely at the screen as if getting closer would make their memories come back.

“You’ve always had it bad for me. That’s why you’ve kept these. You wanted a piece of that bleached Caligula fantasy” he replied conceited.

Shane rolled eyes bumping his shoulder on his in annoyance. He glanced at the pictures again and tilted his head reconsidering.

“Maaaaybe…” Shane faltered zooming on Jamin’s hairy legs in a skirt.

“I’m pretty sure I still have some of the outfits” he grabbed Shane’s thigh with a smirk.

“I’ll keep you posted” Shane winked and threw his shoulder seductively in a very feminine way. He continued clicking forward and Jamin continued rubbing his thigh watching it too.

“You were such an adorable twink” Jamin said biting his lips and grabbing his thigh harder. Shane scoffed but couldn't help feeling flattered, even though he didn't agree. 

“Girl, I wish I still had this waistline…”

“Now this is a stunning dress” Jamin commented stopping Shane’s hand to go back to a picture where he is wearing a short black dress covered in sequin. The chest area was see- through and it had a very elegant 20’s feel.

“I wore this in a Saliva Party, [I had this very sultry number ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJLxcKVWu7E)with Nina Simone and -” he stopped trying to remember the song. He slapped Jamin in the arm when he got it. “ _Since I fell for you_! Yeah, that was it.  But I don’t know how to make it work again with the big venues. It was sooooo good. There’s even a video…” he stopped laughing and gesticulated excitedly when he recalled the whole number.

“Oh.”

“What?” Jamin was suddenly curious. “ _Shane._  What did you do you on the video?”

“You know…” he started trailing the subject off. “I always like to use people in the audience” he was avoiding making eye contact with Jamin. “I pretend to make out with this bartender on stage…he used to work at the Ritz. And we even fucked once” he shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal.

Jamin opened his mouth to say something but Shane was faster. “And well, we were supposed to just play in a seductively but classy way…but he got too excited about it…and I got carried away because the audience was living…and yeah!” he blurted it out visibly awkward.

Jamin was still processing the information looking at Shane that decided to finish his glass of wine in one big gulp.

“Show me” he simply said. Shane almost choke on the wine.

He was laughing shaking his head but then he realized Jamin was serious.

“I… I… don’t think you’ll like what you see…” he warned him shaking his head.

“Thorg, I’ve seen you doing a lot of crazy shit on parties. Brooklyn drag? You think I can’t handle a guy being handsy on you? Maybe I can help you bringing back this performance.”

Shane was analyzing his reaction. Part of him wanted Jamin to be mad about a guy being handsy on him, to be outraged with the shocking fact he had slept with other men like all other typical couples would argue.The other part was turned on with the idea that Jamin wanted to watch, disturbing the cold waters of this old Shane. Making him feel young again.

He turned the classical music down and searched the video on Youtube. Jamin laid down, arranging some pillows on the headboard to rest his head. Shane was hesitant to press play and yet having the same amount of curiosity. He pressed play of the grainy footage and the hazy piano notes started playing.

“Is that Azraea? I’ve haven’t seen this bitch in ages…” Jamin broke the silence and Shane was stiff by his side.

“My make up is good, right?” he questioned looking at Jamin that had his eyes locked in the screen. “I remember that I wanted to make something smokier but the lips…I wanted to keep it clown…that time I didn’t give a fuck about looking fishier, you know what I mean?”

Jamin was not even listening. He knew that this small talk was classically nervous Shane.

They were watching Thorgy luring the audience. His eyes filled with lust and concentration. Shane’s finger still on the space button waiting for the moment. When he called in the guy to sit on the wooden stage Jamin shifted position to watch it closely. When the guy ran his hands through Thorgy’s thigh for the first time he raised his brows and that was the most expressive reaction he sketched after 2 minutes.

“Yeah…he definitely wanted to fuck you” he observed as the bartender licked Thorgy’s neck. Shane was quiet just observing Jamin’s nuances.

“It only happened way after this performance though” he added and sounded too guilty. 

Jamin had his lips part open and when Thorgy legs were up on the guy’s neck and he was grinding and getting too real in the act. He shifted position again and pursed his lips a bit.

“I can see his hard on even in 480p video” he commented sounding more annoyed that he wanted.

Shane nervous laughed. And then Thorgy turned around pretending to be fucked on all fours and Shane felt his cheeks burning. Jamin laughed with Azraea’s comments at the end of the video and then finally their eyes crossed after those tense five minutes. 

“You’re a slut. No news here” he broke the tension and Shane fainted a smile. “And you should totally bring this back. Use the black short hair with a hairband or big fascinator. You’ll look beautiful.”

Shane was still quiet and thinking about his suggestion. Sinking in the whole situation. 

“The number though, needs to be revisited. No grinding on hot bartenders. The R rated version of this number is mine exclusively” he reassured and Shane finally grinned putting the notebook on the nightstand and lying by his side to face him.

“I always find it so weird to look at me doing these numbers…it’s like an outside body experience. I think that’s what I like about drag the most…”

Jamin stared at Shane’s green eyes behind the round glasses and his cute little red nose. He had the most innocent face. No residue of the vampire empress in the video. Shane’s hands slipped inside Jamin’s towel making the nod to loosen. Jamin jerked with Shane’s cold hand grip on his cock.

“Well, the bartender wasn’t the only one hard...” he whispered smirking inches apart of Jamin’s lips.

“That video should be rated over 18 on YouTube” Jamin tried to explain it with his breathing uneven as Shane continued stroking gently his lenght.

Few minutes later Shane was in the same positions of the video and other more pleasurable ones. Jamin seemed to take the video as personal challenge and Shane was blessed with his enthusiasm. An hour later Jamin was crawling out of bed naked to get them some food. Shane was lying on his stomach, melted over the sheets and he observed Jamin’s glorious ass up fetching the towel from the floor and wrapping it around the waist.

“Nooooooooo!” Shane protested when the vision was taken away. Jamin cackled. The hair messier then never and pulled by Shane many times.

“You made me do nasty things but I’m still pure at heart” he teased leaving the room.

“Donald Duck!” Shane yelled at him before he vanished in the hallway.

*

[The tweet that inspired this fic](https://imgur.com/6hhDQc8)

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

The glistering amber rock seemed too big for such a small ring.

Shane and Ally were looking at it through the display glass and observing the other rings of the small antique store. The place could belong to an 80’s movie, where a fortune teller would make Shane swap bodies with Ally. Lots of fabric covering the walls and objects carrying years of stories.

“Where is the mosquito?” Ally was disappointed looking at the honey colored stone once more. Shane lowered himself to her level to inspect the ring again.He had no idea what she was talking about because kids don’t make sense most of the time. But he didn’t too.

He squinted his eyes, nose almost touching the glass when he finally realized what she was talking about and chortled.

“Not all ambers have mosquitoes, Ally. Although it would be pretty cool to have the one from  _Jurassic Park_. Your mother would be down for it. But I have the impression Laurie seems more like the diamond type”

She nodded smiling and then peaked through the glass again making binoculars with her hands.

“Choosing a ring is too hard. They are so pretty! Why do people need rings to get married anyway? What does it mean?”

Ally was in the questioning everything phase so she found her perfect match. Shane loved to question everything too.

“Well, remember when we’ve got that friendship bracelet last year? It’s a memento. The ring is something to remind them and the world they’re together”

“That’s crazy. They are together all the time. How can they forget?”

“You don’t remember everything all the time, right? You forgot your raincoat. I guess sometimes…we forget people too” he replied trying not to sound too dark but failing at it. She glanced up at him thinking for a few seconds pondering if she was convinced.

“I guess so. I’m going to buy my dog a collar so she won’t forget me” she replied worried.

“Vida would never forget you. You saved her!”

Shane giggled and offered her a hand. She grabbed and they continued walking around the store.

“Shane…” Ally started again as he was feeling the texture of some fabrics piled in rolls on the wall. “Will you marry Jamin one day?”

She was so blunt in her question that Shane almost drop the fabric roll he was holding.

“Ally, I- ” he paused to clear his throat and recollect himself. “Um, we’re…we’re not together like your mom and Laurie…yet”

“I thought you were. He likes to hear you talk even when nobody is listening anymore. You should marry him. Acid Betty is so pretty!” she answered casually touching some fabrics too. Shane was still stirred.  

He constantly wondered about the spell Jamin caused on Ally. She didn’t like many adults. Maybe that was their common bond: hatred toward humans. But the truth was Shane was still trying to figure out many things about Jamin. Hearing Acid Betty brought the images together: golden paint, long pointy nails, cotton candy hair, sheets stained with make-up.

“Yeah, she is…” he agreed missing him terribly even though they’ve left his apartment early in that morning.

*

After going through thrift stores and lots of street food Shane decided to say goodbye again do Jamin. Ally was more than excited to visit Jamin’s house again and exchange drawings. He needed to pack in a few hours and he was already late to drop Ally home, but he couldn’t help it.

“Do you think he’s going to like my drawings?” Ally asked and continued eating her ice cream in a plastic cup. Her backpack was full of drawings.

“Of course! Maybe he’ll even make one of these dresses!” he reassured her cleaning the corner of her mouth with a napkin like a worried mother.

She opened a broad smile with her teeth still covered with chocolate. Jamin got the door and he seemed a little bit jumpy.

“Hiii!” he greeted them softly and widening eyes.

Shane noticed there was something different with his energy. He looked behind him.

“Do you have people with you now?” Shane asked feeling awkward without knowing why. “Ally wanted to say goodbye and give you some drawings she made at lunch”

“Um, come in!” he said grabbing Shane’s hand and caressing the top of Abby’s head. “Really? I need to see them right away!”

He led them to the living room and it seemed like someone was there. He had his camera equipment on the table. Suddenly, three dalmatian puppies appeared in the room running towards them. Abby jumped excited dropping her backpack on the floor and reaching down for their fluffy embrace.

Shane was relieved and surprised as Jamin hugged him from behind and planted a kiss on his shoulder.

“What is happening here?” Shane giggled sitting on the floor to play with the puppies that were jumping excited with the visit of the new strangers.

“I have this friend, well, not a friend, she is one the interns. She’s studying fashion and she asked me to take pictures of her. She’s making this Halloween special with Disney characters. And she brought these puppies to serve some Cruela realness. They’re staying just for this afternoon with me” he explained watching Shane getting his whole face licked by the feistiest one.

“Are they up for adoption?” Shane asked and Abby nodded excited holding one that keep moving and biting her dress.

Jamin looked surprised at Shane that had the same innocent stare Abby had.

“Thorg, we barely stay home. Do you think you can have a dog…Alvy would kill you…” he answered trying not to hurt his feelings. Shane was struck with the fact the they were a new entity called “we”. That Jamin was his moving home, and what a terrible thing is to have the heart constantly apart.

He tried not to think about the future that decided to present itself in front of him. Their plans were designed to exist in such different realities. Jamin felt the dark energy that was rising in Shane’s sudden quiet response. He decided to join them and pick up his camera.

“I look like shit. I spent the whole fucking day eating hot dogs and trying to find the perfect ring for a wedding that’s not even mine. I’m greasy and I smell like crayons and hot sauce” he protested quite moody but Jamin didn’t care and nuzzled his neck. Shane melted a bit but he was still annoyed.

His anxiety was taking him to places he didn’t want to go. Most of the time he could stop the dark waters to flood in. Not always. The demanding puppy wanted to be petted and he cupped his head with both hands.

“Hey bitch, I want to be petted too, we can’t always get what we want…” he said to the puppy planting lots of kisses on his forehead and caressing his ears.

Jamin laughed and pinched his thigh. He kept taking pictures of Abby that was posing trying to hold the other two puppies. Shane observed the scene feeling the surrealism of it. That amount of happiness was overwhelming.  

*

After three weeks they were together in their old new routine. Nothing was predictable when they were on stage or meeting the fans. People are particular universes. But they were tracing their ways: they would fuck senseless, talk about all the things happening in their careers, never leave bed.

Never leave the apartment.

And then the clock would start over again.

On that night they decided to meet with some Brooklyn folks in a bar near Shane’s place. The night was going pretty smooth as Shane drank his combo of whiskey and beer and people were actually treating Jamin nice. _Maybe too nice._

They were not sitting close by the table and Shane was listening one of the queens talking but in the corner of his eye he could see Jamin talking in the ear of random guy that decided to join the table. Nothing unusual here. But Shane wished they never left the apartment. Never let the world outside remind them they were not supposed to be together. Jamin was drunk and clearly flirting with the guy that kept touching his shoulder, pulling him closer.

Shane was shut down with the vision and not even listening what people were saying anymore. Everything was a blur and the loud electronic music made him even more exhausted. He needed air.

“Girl, I’m need to take a piss like now” he interrupted the queen. He stood up without looking at the scene much longer.

He felt swallowed by water with both foot on the floor. He strutted among the crowed bar to find the way out. He needed to catch a breath. When the hot and polluted outside air filled his lungs he took off his glasses and rubbed his face with both hands. There were people outside. Some of them recognized him so he walked further to sit on the sidewalk.

He was annoyed with his lack of reason. Jamin wasn’t doing anything wrong. But how many times when they are on the road this scene must happen? He rubbed his face again feeling his breathing getting faster. There was a guy smoking a cigarette leaning on the light pole. 

“Hey, can I have one?” he asked not being very polite. The guy somehow felt that this was someone that needed a cigarette really badly.

Shane lit the cigarette and took a deep breath trying to calm himself. The guy left him alone. He stared at the empty street. There was a plastic bag floating in a very _American Beauty_ moment. His brain was racing and he was trying to catch up, to make it stop.

“Where are you going?” Jamin asked behind him crossing the arms in front of his chest.

Shane looked over his shoulder and Jamin raised his brows pointing to the car in front of them. He finally realized he was sitting in front of Jamin’s sister car.

“I needed to smoke” he simply replied.

Jamin knew Shane was not a man of simple answers. He sat by his side and Shane winced as if his presence hurt him somehow.

“You seemed a little hasty, I thought you were feeling sick an-

“It surprises that you even noticed me there since you were so concentrated talking with that guy” Shane hissed and immediately regretted saying that. He took another puff and avoided looking at Jamin that was with his mouth half opened surprised and amused.

“Are we having this conversation again? Are you really mad?” he asked truly in disbelief.

“I am mad that my brain makes me spiraling over this fucking crushing doubt over and over again.  I’m fucking mad that you make me act like this” he raised his voice and then Jamin stopped half smiling.

“Shane, what do you want me to do? I just can’t understand what’s happening. Do you want me to say that I want to fuck that guy? Well, I don’t want to fuck him. How many times do I have to say this? It’s exhausting to reassure you from 10 and 10 seconds that I love you. Get a grip, God!” he answered leaning to his face but Shane refused looking at him.

He scoffed and put his cigarette down.

“Do you know how many nights I couldn’t sleep at night because you were not there? It’s ridiculous. You started this. And what timing! In that fucking bathroom stall. And the you left me to get back with your boyfriend. And now that couch. What can garantee that you're not leaving me again? I can’t continue feeling this insane. I need to focus on the gigs, on my projects…” he continued unsure where he was going.

Jamin was quiet looking at the street. He was trying to grasp the shreds of Shane’s mind. But the anger was building up fast. 

“I can't believe you really still resent that night...If you want to end this just say it. I don’t know what to say to you. I hate that our relationship makes you feel so unstable. I don’t want to be this toxic force around you-”

“I think we should just end this” he interrupted Jamin anticipating the punch. Tears were forming on his eyes and he wiped them quickly under the glasses.

Jamin was vivibly shocked. He cleared the lump on his throat.

“I was going to say that it was worth to find the antidote” he completed the sentence underwhelmed and Shane was taken by surprise. He opened his lips to say something but locked them fighting back the urge.

“I don’t want to hold you back. I don’t want feel like you’re not enjoying your life in full potential because of my insanity an-”

“Don’t fucking tell me what I want or do not want. I’m a grown ass man” He interrupted him with a darker tone he almost never uses. He took a deep breath, stood up and placed his hands on the hips.

“Look, this night was very weird and I don’t know how we’ve got to this”

Shane started crying even harder looking at the concrete.

“I’m not going to ignore what you’ve just said because you’re a cuckoo bird and you’re drunk and had a bad day of questioning your existence. I’m older than you and got to be a little wiser. I love you. I want  _you_. I was hoping to spend the night with you on top of me in the backseat of Beckie’s car. But if you mean this I’m not gonna grab you by the shoulders and beg you to not do this. You’re not crazy, you’re just suffering. I’m here to help you.  You can’t use this insanity cloak to justify everything…Do you mean this?”

“Okay…” he simply answered embracing his knees not looking at Jamin. “I mean it”

Jamin kept staring at him as if expecting him to stood up and kiss him and stop with this nonsense.

“I’m going back home with some of the girls, I left my bag on the table…” Shane answered finally standing up and handing him the car keys.

Jamin took them and passed through him to get into the car. He left without saying a word. Shane stood there Lifeless. He wanted him to shake him, slap him, to call him a stupid whore. To fight for his love even though he was the one throwing it in the garbage. 

He took a deep breath feeling the hot tears running on his cheeks. He still hoped he turned the car any minute…


	3. Chapter 3

There were traces everywhere.

The exchanged clothes in a hurry. Buttons. Sketches. His shampoo. Once he used Shane’s special one for dreads and his hair was broom straws for a day. He was always creating things. Leaving his marks. The last thing Shane found was a napkin on the kitchen counter. Just a hushed drawing of butterflies and a message lost in time.

_“Need to wake Shane at 18:00 so he’ll be up at 18:45”_

Jamin’s scent lingered for a while. It was a vapour trail that would take him out of guard creating a mist of things of the past. As he was never home and his mind was everywhere, Shane managed to not break down. He was the one to end it. The heart wants what it wants, but in Shane’s case it didn’t have any right. His mind was always there, taking him as a whole.

Jamin sent him two messages. The first one was about things he left in his apartment. Shane answered that he didn’t need anything.

Endless dots and staring at the screen of the phone.

_Nothing._

The second message came after Shane finding out team NYC was booked for a short tour together. He knew this would happen eventually. He cursed a lot for five good minutes walking around the apartment. After a long talk with Alvy and Raga he finally came to his senses that Acid Betty was always going to be there and Jamin was a professional. He beat himself up for being so childish. Shane wondered about him every day, probably just moving on with his life, not holding on to their lapse of time affair.

“We’ve talked so many times about the possibility of touring together, and now it’s happening and we’re not together. It’s ridiculous”

Shane was lying on the floor holding a bottle of wine. Alvaro was watching TV on the couch and not very interested to engage conversation with his lifetime friend.

“I can feel you rolling your eyes” Shane noticed without even moving to look at his roommate, “I know. I can’t complain. I’m the one that screw up. I’m a dumbass…and still, here I am complaining” he paused to drink a bit more and stare at the ceiling. “But destiny is fucking up with me so hard, you know what I mean? Why this didn’t happen before?”

“Shane, let me ask you simple question…” Alvaro positioned himself to sit and look down at his friend channeling his inner Bianca Del Rio. “You’re a drag queen. He’s a drag queen. You both are “famous”. You both have same crazy schedules. You both understand the tolls of  this lifestyle. As far as I know you trusted him. You had amazing sex from what I unfortunately heard and Jamin is fucking hot just to look at and he actually likes you. Sooo…tell me again why did you break up?”

Shane was looking at Alvaro as if he was listening to his death sentence. He just finished the bottle and put his hands on his head.

“I don’t know. I feel like I was holding him back somehow. Like I'm enough for him and he deserves someone better”

“Riiiight, so he made you feel this way?” Alvaro asked trying to understand him but not buying it.

Shane knew Jamin never made him feel insecure. It was a battle he was fighting alone.

“It wasn’t him. It was what he meant to me, you know? I’m crazy enough by myself without being crazy in love with someone. I don’t know anymore…I’m just…I’m an idiot”

“Look  _Beyonce_ , I don’t want to make you feel bad. But I’ve known you both for so long. Damn, I was there when you’ve had that dance off ages ago. You two have been dancing since then” he just poetically ended his input and continued watching TV.

Shane was feeling dizzy by drinking so fast. He knew what he had to do, but he wasn’t sure Jamin would care to try again. He loved him, but he had his pride. Shane felt his heart beating fast on his chest, desperate to have its turn. He put his hand on the chest to feel it.

*

Shane has never been more grateful with Bob’s presence in that airport. The place where all things would end and begin, the energy center of Shane distress. He hasn’t told Bob they broke up but Jamin certainly have.

He hugged him politely with a simple  _hi._

Shane got shivers just by listening his soft register. Jamin looked incredible, a thick stubble covering his perfect jawline and a healthy tan. Shane felt really stupid with his oatmeal beanie and gray t-shirt. He probably looked like a homeless man getting out of a hospital facility while Jamin looked what Grindr dreams are made of.

Bob was feeling the weird energy between them and broke the ice.

“As soon as we get to the hotel I think we should rehearse Street Meatz, people will gag” he said between them as they were walking the airport hall.

“I agree, I think they’ll love it. We should look up some local musicians” Shane started making his brain work and distract the butterflies in his stomach.

“Thorgy, we can simply use the sampler” Bob interrupted him.

“No, no, no. I've got this. I know some people. We need a band for this, it won’t have the same effect and-”

“What effect, bitch? It’s a two-minute song about new wave prostitutes!” Bob interrupted Shane annoyed.

Jamin started to laugh shaking his head.

“I think Elizabeth is having a Deja vu”

Shane and Jamin exchanged meaningful sweet glares. But when Jamin noticed he was lingering too much he looked away.

“I think if Thorgy knows people it’s worth a try, but we can start rehearsing with the sampler. How about that?” he pondered and Bob side hugged him.

“I’m so glad you here, I haven’t seen you in ages!” he said and Shane continued walking along with them.

*

They spent the rest of the afternoon unpacking and fixing their number. Bob and Shane were sharing the room so he didn’t see Jamin most part of the day. Bob avoided asking anything.In the beginning of the evening they rehearsed the song in the room and Jamin was trying to recall the choreography.

Even though he was right there in front of him Shane could almost erase the last months they were together. Maybe it was the situation that was making him feel again the way he felt before the couch.

“Here, let’s look it up” Jamin said holding his phone and Bob standing by his side, his cheek close to Shane's to watch them performing Street Meatz.

Shane joined them and he could feel the sparkle of being so close to Jamin again. He tried not to be so close but there was not much toom to watch a video on a cell phone with two other people. Jamin side looked at him when he felt their arms touching and some of Shane’s dreads brushing on his cheek. Shane eyes were stealing a fugitive glance and shifted to his lips and he felt caught in the act.

Bob was giving his raspy old lady cackle with Thorgy entrance making them laugh and then focus again. Shane swallowed deep and shook it off the feeling.After finishing the video proud that the judges were living for them, Jamin closed the video with the sensation he was a prey next to Shane.

They practiced a bit more with few more moments that made Shane realize that these three days were going to be longer than he expected. He needed to find a mechanism to cope with Jamin’s presence. How he managed to keep that cool demeanor? Couldn’t he feel whirlwind happening inside Shane? He observed him talking with Bob and laughing. Everything was right in the world and that made him feel so mad. 

“Do you guys want to go out tonight?” Bob asked realizing immediately that this wasn’t the best question.

Shane and Jamin exchanged looks.

“I-”

Both started talking and stopped.

“I’m going to stay in and raid the mini bar” Shane honestly answered. He didn’t care if Jamin was going out with Bob.

Hurting and confused he just wanted to be alone and not having to worry about his presence.

“Actually I’m staying in too” Jamin answered looking at Shane that was avoiding to look at him.

“I’m down. I’m not drinking but we can play Cards Against Humanity”

They both stood in silence not showing much of a reaction.

“Okay, I have to ask. Are you guys cool? Can we stay in the same room and not want to cut this tension with a fucking electric chainsaw?” and then Bob made the sounds of a chainsaw pointing at their direction.

Jamin was laughing and Shane rolled eyes. He rubbed his forehead.

“I’m cool. I’ll probably pass out at some point” he lied.

*

They were sitting on the floor each one in a corner of the room in a very Breakfast Club frame. They played until Shane couldn’t even read the cards anymore. Jamin was drinking but he was clearly way sober than him. Bob was trying to fill the silence of Shane’s lack of words.

“Alright, I’m out” Shane just said throwing the cards and trying to stand up but falling at it. Jamin moved like he was going to help him. “I’m fine, I’m fine…” he stopped him showing the palm of his hand.

Shane was too drunk and the last months every time he was drunk Jamin was near him. His body was connecting the dots and recalling the memories.

“Thorg, if you want to sleep in my bedroom. I can stay here with Bob” Jamin offered watching Shane struggling to stand up and finding it quite endearing. Why he had to be so nice? Ugh. 

“Yeah…sure!’ he shrugged putting on his Toms again but it was like he had five extra toes. 

They both watched him stumble across the room until he found his way to the door.

When the door was shut Jamin and Bob stared at each other. Bob took a deep breath and drank his soda.

“Guuuuuuurl” He just uttered.

Jamin kept fumbling his cards thinking but his mind was clearly all over the place. Bob just rolled eyes and threw his cards.

“Just go. You’re done bitch. Just talk to him and get over with this nonsense. It took me so long to get used to the idea of you two being together so get this shit working again”

“Thorgy is an asshole” he stated shaking his head trying to put on a case to Bob.

“Yeah, he is asshole. He doesn’t make sense. What’s new?”

Jamin’s eyes were locked at Bob’s face that just stared him with dead eyes and shrugged.

“Go bitch” he reassured him.

Jamin let go a heavy sigh and threw his cards on the floor. He stood up and when he passed through Bob he looked at him again still expecting to be stopped.

“JUST GO, GOOOOD!” he said again shooing him out of the room.

*

 Shane left the door open and Jamin felt his pride leaving the room since Shane seemed so sure he would come after him. But the truth was he was sitting on the corner of the bed holding his head with both hands and probably not even aware where he was.

“Are you okay?” Jamin asked approaching slowly.

“I felt sick…and my back is hurting again” he replied wincing with pain.

Jamin got closer him and sat by his side on the bed.

“Did you go to the doctor to check this out?”

“I missed the appointment” he mumbled still holding his head avoiding Jamin.

Jamin remembered when Shane scheduled this appointment.

_He wasn’t there to wake him up._

Suddenly Shane got up fast and ran to the bathroom to throw up again. Jamin stood there on the bed listening to the sounds of his sickness. When he heard the water running he went to the bathroom to see if he was okay.Shane’s eyes finally crossed his in the mirror. Shane removed his glasses and dried his face with the towel hanging next to the mirror.

“Look…can you just…” Shane’s voice came out muffled covered by the towel. He checked his face on the mirror again and chuckled. "God, I look like hell"

Before Jamin could answer Shane turned around and kissed him pushing him against the wall. Everything was so fast but Jamin was quick to respond his action, he was more than used to Shane’s sudden urges.Their bodies were full of residues. Resting memories that were rattled.

"Please, touch me..." he begged with a trebling voice in his ear.

He grabbed Shane harder by the waist pulling him closer, their desperate breaths catching life. Jamin felt the towel behind him sliding to the floor. Shane slid his hands to open the button of Jamin’s jeans and suddenly it hit him.

“Stop...stop!” Jamin whispered gathering the last ounce of strength he had to block Shane’s hand. 

Shane woke from his daze. Jamin started at his lips swollen and his green eyes dark with desire.

“You…you don’t want me?” Shane quenstioned insecure retrieving.

“Your mouth tastes like vomit and I still have a hard on that is almost ripping my jeans. Does it answer your question?” he answered irritated adjusting his jeans in discomfort. He looked up catching a breath with both hands on the waist. “Of course I want you, dumbass. That’s the whole fucking problem” he winced feeling the uncomfortable sensation of being incredibly turned on but fighting against it. “I mean…what do you want with this? I…you broke up with me, remember?”

Shane attacked him again and he responded one more time helpless until he managed to escape his claws again.

“I…I…you’re drunk and I’m drunk and I can’t deal with this again. I need to recollect the last shreds of dignity I have left”

“Just stay…I try to make sense but…It’s like the words come out before I even have the chance to stop it-“

“Well, try harder!” Jamin interrupted him angry. Shane heavy sighed.

“Why didn’t you slap my stupid face and stopped me? Why didn’t you call? I spent this whole fucking month trying to understand what I did and not missing you. You were supposed to care!” Shane drunkenly replied finger pointing at his face. Jamin scoffed outraged.

“Shane, you know that I’m not the one to play games. If you say you want to end this don’t expect me to beg!” he stopped to calm his nerves walking around in circles. “You basically told me that my presence in your life makes you ill. What was I supposed to do? I didn’t do anything wrong. You started this nonsense. I know you want to fight. You fight about anything. But you need to understand once and for all there’s no battle here…” he reassured him.

Shane kept looking at him still weak on his balance trying to process the information. 

“You’re so handsome” he just answered. Jamin rolled his eyes.

“Shut up…I’m leaving” he was shaking his head going to the door but Shane stood in front of the door holding the knob.

“No, no, no…I’m still in pain. My back. I can’t even stand straight. I need a shower” he pouted making drama. Jamin laughed for the first time.

“You’re such a liar. Move away from the door” Jamin was not falling for his games.

“Well…” Shane moved away and started taking off his own shirt. “If I die slipping on this bathtub you’ll be the one to blame…” he teased him getting out of the way  and taking off the rest of his clothes in the least seductive way.

“I knooow you probably thinking…How did I miss out all of thiiiiiiiiis…” he said trying reacting Bob’s hysterical Chocolate Cookie Chip. He was struggling to get his pants off but it got stuck on his foot.

Jamin missed every crooked bubble tattoo of his body. How he put up his dreads up. The whole uniqueness of Shane. He knew Shane wasn't confortable with his body for reasons he could never understand, but watching him undress from his boxers and looking back to check out the jeans marks on his cute butt made him swallow deeper. 

Shane was fully naked pushing aside the plastic curtains to get in the bathtub.

“At least there are no dogs here…when they find my body I won’t be Glenn close in  _Fatal Attraction_ ” Shane kept mumbling as the hot water of the shower slowly made his sore limbs stop aching.

Jamin was still leaning on the door pondering what was he going to do, observing Shane’s silhouette behind the curtains.

“This water is scalping me. Good. Are you still there?” Shane asked. “Of course you’re not”

He started singing a song. The last time Jamin heard this song was more than 10 years ago, when he woke up in a new year and Shane’s kiss still lingering on his mouth.  _The first one._

“I love you”

Shane’s voice was small but it echoed behind the sound of water running.

“That night was a blur. I didn’t mean it” 

Jamin kept listening the sound of the water in silence and Shane standing still waiting for his response. Shane took a deep breath with the water running on his nape and when he turned his back Jamin was there catching his lips. He was completed dressed but didn’t mind. They kissed slowly this time, and Shane removed his t-shirt trying not to disconnect the kiss as if it was physically possible. Jamin was trying to remove his pants but his sneakers were on the way and Shane started to giggle.

When they were finally completely undressed Jamin pushed Shane hard against the bathroom wall, the left side of his face pressed on the cold tile as Jamin had his face buried inside of him. His spanking would make Shane almost be crushed against the wall completely, slapping and grabbing his ass. Shane was touching himself furiously as Jamin’s grunting sounds were getting louder.

Jamin changed position standing behind and stroking Shane with one hand, sucking on the right side of his neck. The other hand was in his own cock sliding up and down between Shane’s cheeks teasing him that was dying in anticipation.

"Fuuu…” that’s all Shane managed to utter as Jamin kissed his neck and he put his hands on the tile to not loose balance. Jamin kept teasing him and Shane moved his hips craving for it.

He pushed himself slowly enjoying every sensation of being inside of Shane again. He was moaning softly as his body adjusted to the familiar place.

“Faster” Shane commanded but Jamin kept it slow grabbing his hips that were trying to move faster and forcing him to his pace.

“No” he whispered with the same commanding tone biting his earlobe.

“Come on…I want your cock inside me so bad...” Shane pleaded on the edge of pleasure and Jamin couldn't resist his dirty talk. 

Jamin started thrusting faster and then slow again, and Shane was getting impatient. Jamin embraced him by the waist and the other hand clasped over Shane’s on the tile. He went full force not holding back… and Shane screamed in pleasure and then muttering alien tongues and Jamin kept going establishing the pace he knew so well. Shane felt the whole electricity running through his legs and he was closing his eyes so hard he felt lightheaded. Jamin’s teeth were on his nape. He was grateful they were on water because his blood felt like lava.

He couldn’t feel his legs still numb of the explosion of pleasure but Jamin was still inside of him and he helped leaning his back further making him grunt even louder. Few thrusts in sync and Jamin was collapsing behind him, completely breathless and Shane turned to gather his face for a kiss.

He melted sitting on the bathtub’s floor and Jamin placed himself between his legs, using Shane as a wet and warm mattress. Jamin observed through the foggy curtains the puddle of wet clothes on the floor. Shane planted lazy kisses on his shoulder blazes and collarbone as he was still recovering.

“I hope we won’t get a cold” Shane said still panting a little bit. Jamin was resting playing with the wet hairs of Shane’s thighs and enjoying the water running on his stomach.

He finally opened eyes to see his sneakers floating at the end of the tub.

“You’re buying me new shoes, bitch” his voice came out raspy as he pointed out the floating shoes.

Shane cackled loud and held him tighter. He was between his legs again, as he was always supposed to be.


	4. Chapter 4

“Are you coming to the wedding?”

There was never an answer. Jamin visualized the message and then complete silence again.

_Their last encounter._

Shane had a fever but Jamin was miles away. Shane felt the darkness trying to sink in, but he didn’t let it. Jamin was coming back, like he always does. He stared at the phone screen, the message still frozen in time. The uncertainty was consuming. Was it a sort of punishment? Part of him enjoyed the torture and the other part wanted to slap Jamin. But If he was correct, this was a test. Shane simply needed to trust him. The timing for once was right:  he had the wedding as a distraction and avoid thinking he fucked up for good.

Unknown facts about Shane: he loved weddings.

He had this secret form of normality buried inside and tried casually not caring about it. Sometimes it was difficult to pretend, a fugitive tear would form in his left eye and a smile would easily come out by the sight of dearest ones exchanging silly love songs.

Everlasting love does not exist. But when people believe in something so purely and detached of any cynicism a space wormhole is created. He envied the complete surrender to someone else, the ritual, the lack of…gravity. For someone dragged by the weight of his thoughts, not to think was sort of a blessing.

The Inn chosen for the wedding was an old summer house that eventually turned into a hotel. It was surrounded by woods and the air was so fresh it hurt his smoker lungs the first hours he breathed in. It was a lovely and warm morning; the sun wasn’t so bright but Shane felt like wearing his usual shorts and tank top.

He placed his cello on the support and the music sheets under a basket on the long white picnic table. People of the house were out setting the wedding arrangements and Ally was still sleeping.

Shane could finally rehearse the song chosen by Eve and maybe to swim in the lake. He looked around with his hands on the waist, like an abnormally Peter Pan contemplating Neverland. He walked on the pier and analyzed the water. It always seems gentle and inviting on the surface, but you can never know for sure what lies beneath. Shane jumped without much warning, like in all decisions of his life. The water was strangely warm and he gave it a few swims before letting the soft water stream taking him.

When he closed his eyes the current surrounded his face and his dreads never felt so lighter. The sounds of the underworld. He lived in very different underworld of dim clubs and loud music, and yet the transition was surprisingly smooth. After a while of complete peace, it was time to put his feet on the ground again. He reached the edge of the pier and sat taking a look at the woods again. The wind was freezing and he realized he forgot to bring his towel.

“Fuck…” he muttered between his teeth regretting leaving the house not wearing too much. Luckily the sun was going to do its job. When he stood up and turned around he jumped scared with the man that was sneaky behind him.

His vision adjusted to see Jamin.

It was definitely him, smiling, the stubble of three days and his big hipster glasses in contrast with the traditional house behind him.

“You forgot your towel, of course” he said as his eyes wondered through Shane’s figure, his shorts an shirt glued on the skin. Shane was struck with a sudden shy as he put his dreads up with the elastic band that was on his wrist. He walked back to look for his glasses on the wooden floor and Jamin’s eyes continued the inspection.

“So…you’re here” he finally said something crossing his arms in front of his chest. He was trying to keep it cool but he was freezing and his heart was in shreds.

“I’ve got lost. This place is difficult to find. I’m still jet legged. I got home a few days ago…” he replied trying to find his way of talking.

“I can see” Shane answered caressing his chin making Jamin being aware of his own stubble.

“I’m  _here_ ” he reassured. Shane tried to be indifferent but the beam just came out of him. “And you’re freezing. Come here.” Jamin was opening his arms.

“Don’t be silly. I’m almost dry and you’re going to get wet”

He was still there with open arms. Shane approached him without putting his arms around him and Jamin embraced him. Shane sniffed his t-shirt and his nose was cold in Jamin’s collarbone.

It was the best place in the universe.

He rubbed shamelessly on Jamin, getting all his warmth and then let go of his embrace. Shane cackled when he realized the state he was left.  The gray t-shirt seemed tie-dye now and it looked like he pissed on himself.

“You should just take it off and let it dry” Shane suggested but Jamin shook his head.  They sat on the bench of the long picnic table and Shane placed himself on the corner picking up his sheets.

“You’re playing at the wedding, right?” Jamin approached him from behind stating the obvious maybe as a form of diversion. He was inches behind Shane, their legs almost touching.

“Are you going to teach me pottery lessons, Patrick Swayze?” Shane laughed bringing up their position similar to the classic scene from “Ghost”. Jamin laughed and got even closer, his crotch almost touching Shane's butt. 

“Where are your things?” Shane turned side to ask him.

“The owners of the house let me in. I was expected.”

The last words full with meaning. They exchange a long glance.

“I asked for you but they told me you were here”

“I need to learn this damn song this morning because the band is joining in later, but I’m so rusty with the cello. I’ve packed my violin and when I get here the bitch says they need a cello. This is not even mine actually”

He complained holding the instrument carefully. Jamin observed Shane’s bare legs and feet and found it extremely sexy. Shane noticed and smirked. He continued playing the cello and trying to focus. He went through the pages of sheets on the support in front of him pretending to be annoyed.

“Ahem…” Shane cleared his throat and moved his hips a little bit. “Are you going to stay there behind me? I don’t know if you noticed but I am practicing” he teased looking over his shoulder to Jamin.

He leaned in closer and bit Shane’s earlobe, his hands going through his naked legs. Shane dissolved immediately.

“I’m helping you to focus…” he murmured pushing away some of Shane’s dreads to nuzzle on his nape making him shiver, “Musicians need some obstacles to get better”

Shane kept playing, even though one of Jamin’s hand was reaching the inside part of his thigh. “You smell so good…” Jamin continued pulling him closer by the waist.

“Eau de lake” Shane burst into laughter and Jamin too until Shane felt his erection rubbing hard on his lower back and he couldn't resist but to let go a soft moan. “You know…people can come in any second…” his voice was trembling and he tried effortlessly continuing to play.

Jamin put his hands up and took a deep breath.

“Alright, alright, I’ll leave you. You’re right I jus…It’s been so long and when I got here you were literally a wet dream come true and-

Shane grabbed Jamin’s thigh with one hand and the other shushed him with one finger.

“Keep going, bitch. I’m an excellent musician” he teased throwing his shoulder all smug and Jamin bit the finger on his lips. Jamin cupped his face for a kiss. The cello was finally quiet and they could hear the sound of nature.  

Shane tasted like sunscreen and watermelon and Jamin like mint and coffee. Shane sucked in his bottom lip slowly, his hand caressing Jamin’s on his cheek. When they disconnected to reach for air Shane took Jamin’s hand and led it from his face to inside his shorts. Jamin gasped in surprise.

“Okaaaaay, I was just thinking about making out a bit…people will definitely show up in a few, Thorg” Jamin replied nervous but not removing his hands from inside Shane’s shorts.

“Do as I say” he commanded annoyed. “You started this…” he guided his hand to reach for his cock.

“Keep playing” Jamin challenged him. Shane adjusted himself and started playing again as Jamin fasten his pace making he miss a few notes. “I noticed that!” he teased biting his earlobe. Shane continued trying not to laugh, but at one point, he was pursing his lips trying to not let the waves of pleasure take over him. Jamin's hands were hot, and he was slick with the water and his own arousal. He looked down and watched Jamin's hand going up and down inside his shorts and moaned even harder. 

Jamin was glued behind him, his hips moving making Shane lose balance and strength on his arm to finger the cello. Shane gave up at some point, just holding the fingerboard for his dear life.

“Yes…yes…please” he just murmured throwing his back to Jamin and side reaching for a kiss. Jamin knew he was close and as they heard the sound of cars engines, the thrill of being caught making Shane even more turned on… Jamin fasten the pace and Shane was done grunting and cursing between his legs.

Jamin hugged him as he was breathing heavily and dazed, feeling him all shaky with the orgasm. Shane placed the cello on the support and there were string marks on his palm from strangling it so tight.Jamin took his hand and kissed the inside, massaging his fingers that were pale, the blood still coming back.

“Sorry” he noticed laughing and Shane softly chuckled still catching a breath. 

“I definitely need a towel”  Shane noticed feeling the hot liquid running inside his thighs.

Jamin stood up and he was rock hard and Shane scoffed noticing his bulge. 

“I think you could use a jump in the lake” he teased him raising his brows towards the lake.

“YES” Jamin agreed looking down. He removed his shoes and t-shirt to jump in the water.

The old lady that was the owner of the hotel appeared seconds after bringing a towel. Shane crossed his legs trying brush it off some of the stains as she approached.

“I’ve brought a towel. Everyone that wakes up early and decides to be here end up in the lake” and the chubby blonde lady handed him a towel not noticing anything.

“That’s very sweet of you, thank you” Shane appreciated taking the towel. She left and few minutes later Jamin was back. Shane handed him the towel.

“It’s full of cum, they say it’s an excellent sunscreen” he gave it to him in a serious tone.

 Jamin took it shaking his head but rubbed it on his face anyways.


	5. Make Me Lose My Mind

Jamin always felt like he wasn’t a good dancer.

A graduated dancer afraid he wasn't good enough. His early memories being bullied at school for dancing "like  girl". It was enough that he was the strange fat kid from the theater club. He got over it, like so many other things in life, but from time to time he would feel the old strings pulling him down.

Ally was showing the buttons of the Wii remote control and he had flashbacks of playing his old Nintendo. But the youngster’s version of it didn’t make sense to him.

“I just have to dance and hold this, right? These buttons are for?” he inquired her just for double check.

“Yeah! And be next to me because I finally have someone to dance "I’ve Had The Time of My Life.” She replied jumping excitedly.

The video started and he was hypnotized by the explosion of colors and the faceless dancers. They started dancing and getting people’s attention. Shane caught them in the living room of the hotel and stood in the doorway to watch the scene. He noticed Shane’s gazing and smiled shyly.

“Ally, I can’t believe you have watched _Dirty Dancing_. Eve is crazy.” he stated while his eyes traveled from the TV to them. Jamin was throwing Ally’s body around in an exaggerated way and she was living.

Shane heard people making noise in the hall and like the sound of a thunder, Eve was the lighting following jumping on him.

“Oh my god you’re here! I’ve missed you so fucking much!” she exclaimed planting kisses on his cheek as Shane tried to hold her legs around him.

“Eve, you’re gonna hurt Shane’s back again. He was in a wheelchair. I follow Thorgy on Instagram, hot shot ” Laurie was behind her and she let him go.

“Sorry baby, ugh, I just missed you so much!” she hugged him by the waist again and started touching his face as if she was looking for something different. Then Laurie complimented him too.

Eve was blonde and petite; the way Ally would look in the future. Laurie was almost Shane’s height, with long curly hair and chubby. They looked very different which made them a very interesting couple. The room was full of their friends and Jamin noticed the commotion as Ally chose another song do dance. His eyes finally met Eve’s and there was instant tension. As a very protective friend himself, he knew Eve was going to put him under the microscope and analyze every bit of him.

Shane made a sigh like he was going to introduce them. Ally kept playing by herself like nothing important was happening.

“The infamous Acid Betty!” she said approaching Jamin and they shook hands. “You’re a fierce bitch, I loved all your looks on the show. And Ally keeps talking about how cool Jamin is.”

Eve was staring and speaking as if she wanted to match the stories with the legend. Shane wanted to cut the tension. They were drawing too much attention. It was a gay weeding and they all knew who they were.

“Nice to meet you, Jamin. I must say you look way hairier in real life” Laurie hugged Eve from behind, trying to pull back her energy to another place.

He caressed his own face.

“You’ve got to celebrate non-shaving days” he replied with a sweet smile.

Some people with instruments were gathering up around Shane. He pulled Jamin’s shirt and whispered in his ear.

“Sorry, I need to rehearse with the band. Do you want to go with me or?”

“I can show the place around to Jamin, Shane.” Eve answered the question promptly getting in the middle of them while Shane was trying to formulate a thought. He searched Jamin’s eyes for his reaction.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to get your way. You must have tons of things to do.”

“It’s a lesbian wedding, dude. There’s no gowns” she scoffed grabbing his arm and taking him away from Shane.

He observed Jamin being introduced to other people and softly laughed in a relieved surprise. Jamin was surrounded by strangers that were all over him and seemed okay about it. Drag Race changed both of them in uncountable ways.

X

Jamin noticed how Shane and Eve were similar. The way they talk with their hands, her unapologetic non-stopping babbling and touching him. They were raised together. She was his first love, and maybe Shane’s attempt to love himself. She was the first one to make him come and to make him cry of a broken heart. She was the peak of all things Shane and he was very intrigued with her presence.

They were walking by the lake with Ally running around by their side. They stood in front of it in quiet for few seconds.

“Shane told me what’s going on between you two”

The subject before was how Ally was a smart kid and the sudden change took Jamin out of guard.

“Look, I have no idea how your lives have been changed forever. And this whole rock star life style you’re living. But I don’t care if a guy’s dick is rubbed on your face when you wake up in these after parties. If you’re doing this with Shane, you have to commit.”

Jamin kept staring at Eve and before he could answer she continued.

“He deserves someone that loves him for everything that he is and all the love he has to offer. Believe me, he’s holding back. I know you for twenty minutes, and I know that maybe I’m being inappropriate-

“He’s your best friend. I understand you.” He simply reassured her trying not to tell her to fuck off as he wanted. “I…I’m in this for real. Even though, yes, I wake up with dicks on my face. But…I…I want everything, I want every part of him, even though he keeps breaking up with me” he softly chuckled.

“It’s the voices”

“I know, I’m familiar with those voices. And I want them to shut the fuck up.”

“He will drive you mad. You’re going to want a restraining order. But there’s no better feeling than being loved by Shane” she reassured him with the first relaxed smile and squeezed his arm.

“I think I found an ancient turtle!” Ally screamed by the lake and they went to check out her discovery.

*

After the enlighten walk by the lake, they went to the other side of the house where the stage was happening and the wedding arrangements were being set.

Eve left Jamin and he sat on the wood chair in front of the stage observing the band. Shane was talking to the band giving them instructions. He was decent enough now, with gray jeans shorts but with a black t-shirt and no shoes on. He looked like a delusional homeless guy thinking that he was a maestro of an orchestra.

Jamim recalled the feeling of having him between his legs under his command, trying effortless to make music with the hands while his own body was making the sweetest sounds. His thighs trembling when the highest note was reached.

They all started playing again and Shane was in the corner listening with his index finger on his mouth. A classic  _shanerism_  of concentration.

Jamin didn’t recognize the song.

There was a guitar lying on a chair next to Jamin’s, in the same row. He picked up the instrument and tried to play a few notes. It’s been ages since he touched a guitar. He had one at home but it was hobby he left behind in high school.The dark wooden guitar had many things written and carved on it, it probably belonged to one of the musicians. It sounded out of tune but he wasn’t going to touch it. He learned with Shane that each of them had their ways with their tools.

“What are you doing?”

Shane was in front of him with a huge smile.

“Surprise! You’re not the only drag musician around here anymore. I’m coming for your gig, girl” he replied playing a few notes. And Shane was legit impressed and delighted. He sat on the corner of the stage to watch him play.

“How come you’ve never told me?”

“You’ve never asked.”

“You’re always listening to that electronic stuff I didn’t know you were interested in actual instruments”

Jamin rolled eyes and continued playing, mumbling the words of a song. He was trying to remember the lyrics.

“My fingerpicking sucks” he commented frustrated. “I wear 10 inches’ nails but I can’t finger this shit right”

“I like your fingering” Shane answered raising his brows with a naughty smile and Jamin chuckled frustrated.

He continued concentrated trying to remember the song.

“… _[now that I’ve lost everything to you…You say you wanna start something new…and it’s breaking my heart you’re leaving](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dy8pvXLVu8Yk&t=NDQzZjc3YTA5NmM1ZGE0YmQwODNjNWU1OGU4YWYxODQ2ZGE2ZWQ1YyxsOENlRDY5aQ%3D%3D&b=t%3Av3LhZRbWmoT9W49tMg51qg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmulder-isms.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F152663915035%2Fpuppies-wedding-rings-and-dignity-part-v&m=1)…”_  he mumbled in his low singing voice. Shane froze when he recognized the song.

Jamin noticed how the lyrics were bugging Shane a little bit.

“My music teacher in high school said I had a similar tone to Cat Stevens so this was literally the first song I’ve learned” he explained and Shane cleared his throat.

“You do. You have a lovely singing voice.”

Shane wanted to say actually that among all incredible melodies he’s played and heard Jamin’s dragged way of saying “hi” in the morning was his favorite sound in the universe. Jamin continued singing and looking at Shane. The owner of the guitar appeared. He was a young man with long hair and thick huntsman beard.

“Sorry, I was just remembering an old forgotten habit”

“Don’t worry, continue. I still have to fix some things on the stage. Shane, Denis is calling you to listen to the piano key changes.”

“I’ll be there in a few”

They kept looking at each other. Shane was quiet and Jamin was always curious when that phenomenon happened.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that. I know I get by with a lot of things… _just upon a smile_ , but I don’t want you to feel like I take you for granted because I don’t. Every day I think what we have it’s a sort of time warp and it makes me crazy sometimes. Because it’s too good. And I want things to hurt me because that’s how I know my queue to leave. But I don’t want to leave. I swear. I want many things at the same time and it fogs my mind, but I’m sure I don’t want this.”

He kept staring at Shane trying to find the right thing to say.

“Cuckoo birds. Always trying to flee”

He just summed up. Shane smiled relieved but was startled when he was called again.

“I’ll see you in my bedroom to dress up?”

“First to dress down, I hope. And maybe you can help me with the bow tie”

Shane’s quick wit ran about a comeback and lots of dirty thoughts come across his mind but he was making a group of musicians very impatient and you don’t want that for your dear life.

*

The dressing meeting never happened because Shane was super late. He was caught up being dragged with the last wedding arrangements. When he got to the room Jamin was already all suited up. It was a strange feeling that his eyes needed adjust seeing him with such a lack of color.

“I decided to keep this 5 o’clock shadow. Should I shave it?” he asked fixing his black curls of hair looking at the mirror, the piercing ice blue eyes could break it.

“Don’t you dare touch that . You look fucking hot”

Shane was exasperated looking at him still holding the doorknob.

“The suit is pulling under my arms. And my fat ass makes any pants tight. I needed to look up on YouTube the bow tie”

Shane checked the clock on the wall. He had exact 30 minutes to dress up.

“I need to shower and you need to get out of here because I want to rip your clothes off and ride your face but I only have 27 minutes to get ready and everyone thinks I’m a goddamn wedding planner, so out”

He commanded Jamin as he passed through the room avoiding looking at him. Jamin pursed his lips and grabbed him from behind.

“We can set a new record?” he whispered in his ear making Shane melt for a few seconds but he managed to come to his senses and escape.

He locked the bathroom behind him.

“OUT!” he yelled from inside. Jamin devilish laughed and left the room.

*

The setting of the wedding was dreamy. The decoration was mainly composed, small lights and candles. The ceremony was held by a drag queen dressed as Cher. Eve and Laurie were not wearing gowns.

Eve was dressed as Madonna in  _Like a Virgin_  and Laurie as  _Vogue_  Madonna.

Jamin felt like he had evaded Shane’s vast territory a little bit more. Even though people were curious about them, they didn’t seem to care about their presence that much as the ceremony went on.

The band was preparing to play the song the couple was going to dance. Ally was sitting next Jamin looking adorable as  _Desperately Seeking Susan Madonna._

“First of all, I just want to say that Eve and Laurie are whores and I’m happy they agreed on whoring together for life.” Shane introduced the band in Thorgy style. “But seriously, I love them more than life. I rehearsed this song at home with my violin and our lovely bride and my rotten best friend told me actually I was going to play the cello. So, excuse us for the casual fuck ups.  _My gift is my song, and this one is for you_ ”

Everybody applauded them and the song started playing. The singer started the first words of [“Fear Nothing”](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DHChziK6ewkg&t=YWRiODI4MTQ2OWYzNGYzM2MyM2VhM2VlOGQ2NDUwZTczOTVjNzJjOSxsOENlRDY5aQ%3D%3D&b=t%3Av3LhZRbWmoT9W49tMg51qg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmulder-isms.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F152663915035%2Fpuppies-wedding-rings-and-dignity-part-v&m=1) by Selah Sue.Jamin observed Shane playing. He would always have this frown in the beginning that would eventually turn into a smile.

The couple was slow dancing looking at each other whispering sweet nothings. Maybe this was a time warp. The next day he was back sleeping on the cold seat of the airport waiting for a connecting flight. The sweetest vision of Shane playing a fresh, but untouchable memory again.

*

They barely bumped into each other the whole wedding because people were getting drunk and less shy. Too many people wanted the opportunity to have Shane for few minutes and find out that Acid Betty wasn’t a monster. Being the light drinker that he was, at some point Jamin reached for Shane in the middle of the dance floor. He pulled him closer not caring about other people may looking.

“Hiiii” he said.

Shane just drunk laughed pulling him by the collar. They were inches to kiss but resisting. They just keep looking at each other imagining all the things they would do when finally put the hands on each other.

“I wished I had stayed in that bathroom stall” Jamin said almost screaming. The music was loud, and the singer was saying something about losing her mind. He felt the moment was magical.

She was a siren.

_[You help me lose my mind.](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DgQWavVwsCFU&t=ODdkOTY5NThmOTI2MzQ4YjY3ZGM3NzE1ZThhMjY0YWUyZGVmOGYwNSxsOENlRDY5aQ%3D%3D&b=t%3Av3LhZRbWmoT9W49tMg51qg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmulder-isms.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F152663915035%2Fpuppies-wedding-rings-and-dignity-part-v&m=1) _

_[And you believe something I can’t define.](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DgQWavVwsCFU&t=ODdkOTY5NThmOTI2MzQ4YjY3ZGM3NzE1ZThhMjY0YWUyZGVmOGYwNSxsOENlRDY5aQ%3D%3D&b=t%3Av3LhZRbWmoT9W49tMg51qg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmulder-isms.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F152663915035%2Fpuppies-wedding-rings-and-dignity-part-v&m=1) _

_[Help me lose my mind, make me run back.](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DgQWavVwsCFU&t=ODdkOTY5NThmOTI2MzQ4YjY3ZGM3NzE1ZThhMjY0YWUyZGVmOGYwNSxsOENlRDY5aQ%3D%3D&b=t%3Av3LhZRbWmoT9W49tMg51qg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmulder-isms.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F152663915035%2Fpuppies-wedding-rings-and-dignity-part-v&m=1) _

_[What about before?](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DgQWavVwsCFU&t=ODdkOTY5NThmOTI2MzQ4YjY3ZGM3NzE1ZThhMjY0YWUyZGVmOGYwNSxsOENlRDY5aQ%3D%3D&b=t%3Av3LhZRbWmoT9W49tMg51qg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmulder-isms.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F152663915035%2Fpuppies-wedding-rings-and-dignity-part-v&m=1) _

_[Keep biding my time how much longer?](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DgQWavVwsCFU&t=ODdkOTY5NThmOTI2MzQ4YjY3ZGM3NzE1ZThhMjY0YWUyZGVmOGYwNSxsOENlRDY5aQ%3D%3D&b=t%3Av3LhZRbWmoT9W49tMg51qg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmulder-isms.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F152663915035%2Fpuppies-wedding-rings-and-dignity-part-v&m=1) _

_[Who I’ve been waiting for?](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DgQWavVwsCFU&t=ODdkOTY5NThmOTI2MzQ4YjY3ZGM3NzE1ZThhMjY0YWUyZGVmOGYwNSxsOENlRDY5aQ%3D%3D&b=t%3Av3LhZRbWmoT9W49tMg51qg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmulder-isms.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F152663915035%2Fpuppies-wedding-rings-and-dignity-part-v&m=1) _

Shane didn’t catch what he was saying and kept dancing. Jamin approached his ear and Shane finally got what he was talking about. Their first “date”.

“We’ve lost so much time” Jamin continued. His transparent eyes heavy with the alcohol.

“We have time now, I’m going to break it into tiny portions” he answered not making much sense. “Chris. The asshole’s name.”

Jamin barely remembered his relationship with Chris or why he thought it was worth to leave Shane in that bathroom stall to stay with him. Right now, looking at Shane’s drunk grin, his rolled-up sleeves and crooked bow tie. He was probably fucking insane.

 _“I dare you_ ” Jamin whispered in Shane’s ear. “I dare you to fuck me”

Shane recognized the same sentence he used years in that bar in New Year’s Eve to lure Jamin to a one night stand. Following his memory intuition Shane reenacted Jamin’s reaction, grabbing him by the hand and cutting the crowd.

They weren’t going to make out in a dirty bathroom. The place was huge and they were desperately kissing as soon as the crowd was being left behind. They were following the trail of their own desire. They got into the woods next to the lake. The sound of the party seemed muffled and all they could hear was their uneven panting.

Shane removed Jamin’s suit as he pushed him against the tree. Jamin was removing his own shoes and Shane turned him around and buried his face between his legs. Jamin let go a loud grunt as he felt Shane’s tongue inside him. He was digging his nails on the tree trunk every time Shane pushed forward moaning.

He had only his white dress shirt on and Shane was still fully dressed. Shane pulled him by the shirt never disconnecting the kiss and laid him down on his own suit on the ground. They both started to laugh trying to adjust with the dim scenario. The leaves, roots or whatever creatures were roaming there.

“This looks like a cheap plot of a trash horror movie and a masked killer will murder the gay couple but first fuck them or something” Shane said on top of Jamin kissing him between every word and Jamin kept pumping him, hands inside Shane's pants.

Suddenly Jamin stopped to spit on his own hand and kept the strokes raising his brows to Shane that was quite speechless with the scene.

“Come on…” Jamin rushed him.

Shane kissed him harder pinning one of his hands on the ground and he positioned himself. When he penetrated him, he was gentle but the feeling of being inside Jamin was taking over his body quickly.He started thrusting paying attention to Jamin’s reactions that was just with eyes closed getting in sync with him.

“Harder…” he mumbled pressing Shane’s back encouraging him.

Shane fastened his pace and positioned himself on his knees so he could stroke Jamin at the same time he kept thrusting. Jamin was moaning like crazy.

He made a sign for Shane to hug him and he did, never losing his pace. Pushing harder and slow making him melt under him. Shane buried his face on the older man’s neck when he felt Jamin coming on his hands. With a few more thrusts Shane followed him.

Even with the new dynamic they knew their rhythms very well.

Shane laid by his side breathless. And Jamin stood there still in haze, the smell of wet dirt around him, the sky full of stars covered by the top of the trees.

Jamin reached for Shane for a side kiss, languid and drown in pleasure.

“I think the gay couple is going to survive” he whispered in Shane’s ear.

*

Jamin woke up in the bed alone. He noticed that Shane’s bags were packed and there was a note on the nightstand.

_“I’ll be back. My flight is in two hours but I didn’t want to wake you. By the way, I think the suit was not enough to protect your ass. Sorry!”_

He got up, he didn’t even remember when he put his short boxer shorts on, and lowered the waistband to check his butt on the mirror. There were scratches everywhere and he was feeling a little sore.

Shane got in  the room the minute he was doing the inspection.

“Please, don’t be mad” he said and Jamin laughed.

“For a fuck like that it’s totally worth it. You can scrape my ass on the concrete” he reassured him. Shane was behind him kissing all the scrapes on his back and hugged him from behind.

“I need to start packing too” Jamin answered looking at them both in the mirror.

*

They were at the airport again. Jamin’s flight was the first to go. They gazed at each other one last time before the next one last time.

“This is going to be a long withdraw. But we got this in our pockets, right? And facetime. And skype sex?” Shane was trying to keep the goodbye as light as possible.

“First you need to find where is your notebook, bitch” Jamin teased him.

They hugged and kissed briefly.

“I’m not leaving” Shane reassured again squeezing his hand.

“I know” Jamin answered letting go of his hand and going to the gate line.

Shane watched him waving before fading away. He sat on the bench and put his headphones on. Memories of the time warp still fresh, the stars beneath the treetops, Jamin’s suit covered in brown leaves.


End file.
